Musings from the Mat

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. So we did find a place to rent across the border in Windsor, but the escalating cost of living and moving is wrecking my nerves. I hadn’t been able to save any money this year due to our wedding in Malaysia back in May, and recently the emergency trip back for my grandma’s funeral. I try not to fret about money, because I truly belief that we will be provided for and will be sufficient if we just LET GO and do what is appropriate at the time and place that we happen to be. The struggle between wanting to trust that instinct and giving in to the paranoia of not being able to survive in the future is driving me lifeless and incapacitated to be at my best.

I’m supposed to be going to Micha’s class today (Friday) since I had to skip yesterday’s class to go house hunting South of the border (or North depending on where you’re coming from in Michigan). Not going to class makes me feel ultra-guilty, but at the same time, the body is unwilling. The soul is depleting with depression, and the body is sluggish and uninspired. I don’t know why I had lost trust in myself and in everything that I do, especially with the practice of yoga. Yoga used to be my salvation, but lately I that my heart is boxed and shut tightly from being in the light of yoga.

I don’t know what else to do other than ride it out and deal with my current stress of moving/relocating and catching up with the course. Hopefully, when all is settled I can concentrate on my practice again.

I guess I was ready to open up myself again after my grandmother’s passing, so on Monday I decided to go to RSY for Micha’s class. Unfortunately, Micha was out-of-commission that day, and Regina taught her class before. It was definitely a lot more gentle and easier compared to Micha’s class, which is not bad, but I was looking for more of a challenge that day. Nonetheless, I was thinking about what transpired on Sunday, with my failure to give proper instructions to the students. I’ve decided that I should really begin by taking everything back to basics and slow everything down so that I can give clear and concise instructions when I eventually start teaching. With that said, I’ve truly learned a lot about what I can do when I start out by observing Regina’s class.

I went to Sattva yesterday (Tuesday) and was glad to see Micha teaching the 5:45 Level 1 class. Due to the recent chaos in my life, I knew I was really tensed up and constricted and I wasn’t really sure if I would ever get back to where I left off prior to my grandma’s passing, in terms of flexibility and openness of the body. Perhaps that’s a manifestation of me wanting to hide inside my tortoise shell emotionally.

As I lie on the bolster on the my and crossed my legs in half lotus pose, I began to center myself with the tranquility of the room. Micha brought her 2 new chihuahua pups with her that day, so that helped to bring a smile to my face. As we progressed through the class, I was amazed at how ready and fluid my body was as we through the various asanas. It felt like my body was craving for the expression through the body, and Micha’s magic was just the catalyst I needed.

When I was done with the class, I felt amazed at what I did in the class and went to thank Micha. I told her that my grandma passed, and somehow I just started bawling. How embarassing!!! I told her that in fact, I had been avoiding her Yin class because I know that my heart is still full of grief and I will just start to bawl in the class. 

As much as I like a release, I just don’t think I’m ready for it yet although everything seems to be back to normal for me on the outside. I am quite surprised that deep down under my consciousness, I am still yet to accept the passing of my grandma.